In our culture, it is considered a virtue to be modest. No one likes show-offs or braggarts, and arrogant people are often frowned upon too. When we receive a compliment — for example, “You look wonderful today” or “You have worked hard and should be proud of yourself” — we typically respond with something like, “Oh no, it’s nothing special.”
As a result, we become accustomed to thinking that our achievements or outstanding qualities are insignificant. However, whenever we make a mistake or find ourselves lacking in some way, we tend to focus on it intensely and remember it well.
In my coaching work using the Neurographica TRUE algorithm, I have noticed that, when deciding what to do with their lives, people often undervalue their starting point — their point A. In other words, they do not appreciate their own knowledge, talents, or material resources that they already possess. They believe there is nothing special about them, or that everyone has the same abilities. For instance, a programmer with ten years of experience might think that today any schoolchild can create a website. Or a woman who has gone through abuse and found the strength to become a psychologist might feel that she lacks the qualifications to find a job in her field.
Our parents often feared over-praising us, and as a result, we do not receive the necessary support and unconditional belief from our loved ones.
Society also reinforces the idea that we are not good enough. Women are expected to conform to an unrealistic ideal — to be eternally youthful and always happy — while men are not considered successful unless they have a high salary and significant material achievements.
So, what is the outcome? We lose sight of our own value. We do not know what our true worth is, independent of society, family, or gender. What is our value as individuals?
When a child is born, a mother loves the child simply for existing. The child has not yet achieved anything, proven anything to anyone, or demonstrated that they are special or worthy of love. They make mistakes, do not know much, and simply live. Not everyone is fortunate enough to experience unconditional parental love, as parents themselves might not have known it, but it is important to recognise that such love exists, and a child is not to blame if they are not loved.
Experiencing rejection in childhood, an adult may constantly seek validation from others, try to prove something to someone, and live in a state of constant anxiety and self-doubt. Even when they achieve significant results, they do not feel satisfied; they constantly feel the pressure of unrealistic expectations and keep punishing themselves.
If one works on this at a deep level, confidence in oneself and one’s abilities will emerge, along with the capacity to realistically assess one’s capabilities and a calm acceptance of oneself.